Okay then. Several things are jumping around my head. First things are first.
My dad passed away last Wednesday. It was very painful to watch. We disconnected him from the ventilator, and he stayed alive for almost 36 hours. When he finally let ago, it seemed peaceful. (There was serious brain injury due to lack of oxygen which is why we made the decision we did.)
It's very weird being here without him. Here meaning this apartment, Camp Hill, Pennsylvania, the United States. It's weird to think about going back to Honduras and not having him take me to the airport. It's weird to get his truck and trailer appraised so we know the value of his assets. It's weird to meet with the lawyer and talk about his will and executors and his estate. It's weird cleaning out the apartment without him here. It's weird to think about a having a yard sale, because the last one was with Dad when we moved out of the old house. It's weird that when I talk about him, I have to remind myself to talk in past tense. It's weird that I have stopped myself from talking about him more than a few times, because I don't want to make the people around me uncomfortable. It's weird. And it's painful. And I don't like it. And I want it to stop.
Maybe that's why I want to go back to Honduras so badly. When I first came home, I wasn't sure if I would even go back, but now I just want to jump on the plane tomorrow and get back to my life there that had become so normal and simple. [Up. School. Tutor. Home. Eat. Gym. Bed.] Weekends were even more simple. [Up. Eat. Nap. Eat. Go out.] Life is easier. My problems focus around my kids at school and boys. No money problems. No lawyer or executor fees to speak of. No yard sale to be had. No addresses to change. No deaths. Only school. dance class. horny honduran guys. (My biggest problem in Honduras is that the new guy I'm kind of dating seems to have some kind of ex-wifey/baby's momma on the sidelines but more about that later.) But being here, surrounded by friends and family who are so concerned and worried about me and wanting to help ... I know that they love me and are just trying to be supportive, but all of their attention just makes me feel worse. It's hard to explain, but just being here is hard because it means that something is wrong (which it clearly is). I'm supposed to be in Honduras. Being here isn't normal, not right now. It's like going through mini-culture shock and dealing with tragedy all at the same time. Life in Honduras isn't suppose to include him so I won't feel his absence so strongly. It will be easier. Less painful.
It sounds I want to want to run away. And I do. My sister was able to go back to a semi-normal life this week, going back to Philly, going back to work. I was here - meeting with the lawyer, getting appraisals, cleaning the apartment, putting in yard sale ads. I don't blame her for going. I would have run away already if I could have. And I am strong. I have learned how to keep going through life with your head up when the world is falling apart around you. I have learned how to be independent, support myself, and stay strong when I want to cry. And my dad taught me all of it.
Unfortunately, too often I smiled instead of crying, said "Everything is fine" when it wasn't, and was strong when I shouldn't have been. I'm independent to a fault. I like to do things on my own and am confident that I am able to. I don't like asking for help, I get that from my dad. But in the end, I will ask if I see no other option. My dad was the only person I could ask without feeling bad. Even asking my sister for things like money still makes me feel guilty. And Candie collected enough money to buy my plane ticket back to Honduras, which makes me very happy and grateful, but makes me feel a little bad as well, taking money from a bunch of people that I dont know or barely know. All of this comes from my father as well. That's a parents duty I guess. They can't give you just good things, they have to throw in a few to "screw you up" as Ingela would say.
So I'm ready to run away, back to Honduras. I really hope that we can get everything sorted out, and I will be able to go back next Friday. I need my simple life back. I need my life back that is far away from here and all the places and memories and people that remind me of my father. Not that I will be able to forget about him there. He will always be on my mind, espcially when I'm in bed at night, since that is when I think about my friends and family that I miss so much. I will think about calling him, before reminding myself that I can't. I will never stop missing him or thinking about him, but living life without him will get easier. He prepared me well.
Alejandra, Katherine, and Pamela. How cute are we? This was taken on Valentine's Day. Alejandra is a hot mess. She comes to school everyday looking super cute with her uniform clean and pressed and her hair pulled back and neat. By the end of the day, the zipper on her skirt is never closed and her hair looks like a hurricane hit it. This, incidentally carries over to her school work, and she hasn't really been doing so well, but had started to come around with her reading in the last couple of weeks before I came home. Katherine spent the past 2 years in New Orleans, so she can read pretty well. She speaks English fine and understands every word I say, but she really does not like to speak English. I have to almost force it out of her by saying "English! English! Only English!" 49380942 times a day. Pamela tries so hard, and she does very well in school. However, her second grade sister is a genius. So even though Pamela is doing very well and not behind even the slightest bit, her mom is always pushing her and asking me how she is doing. Pobrecita.
Fernando and Jose Carlos. Fernando provides an endless amount of happiness. He always calls me "teacheeeerrrr," and he tends to cry a lot. He is so smart though! He reads, writes, and speaks English with more ease than a lot of the older kids in our school. He reads much better than some of my second graders. And his parents do not speak English! He knows he's smart too, and sometimes he runs around saying "Soy genio!!" (I'm a genious!) Jose Carlos is also a cutie. He really struggled with reading and English at first, but he has since been learning to read in Spanish and that has really helped in reading English. When I left, he had started to read much better, 4 and 5 letter words even! He was also getting really excited about reading which makes it so much easier. That is half the battle. Once they really want to learn, they will. I really hope that he has been practicing since I've been gone.
Michael. My little one from Niños de la luz, an orphanage project behind the airport in Ceiba. He is a cute kid, and he is actually pretty smart, but he does not work in class. He causes so much trouble, but has this little innocent smile that just makes you want to hug him instead of punish him. He really does disrupt class though like woah. He failed first grade last year in a public school, so the project people decided to put him in our school this year, but he entered half way through the year, in February. Right before I came back to the States, they had decided to put Michael back in kindgergarten to socialize him a little more and have him start from the basics, learning his letters and everything. He'll start first grade again in September. I'm hoping it's working well for him. He really is a good kid, just likes to show off. I want to see him grow up into a responsible young man.
