Friday, June 15, 2007


All I can say is that I am so freakin glad that it is Friday. I am so sick of Miss F and not getting any respect from her. I swear, I do not see any love in that woman´s heart. Okay, that´s a little harsh, but if you knew her - you would know what I mean.

I am going to have an awesome weekend. No plans yet, but I will have a good weekend.

I met this guy last week ... he´s nice, he´s cute, he´s smart ... But he´s really striking out. I don´t really think he´s going to get it together. It´s a shame too, seems like a really good guy. But he doesn´t call when he says he will, and he´s playing games with me. Acting like he wants to see me, and then not calling. But then getting upset because he wanted to see me and I didn´t call him. Or acting like he doesn´t really care if he sees me when I call. Honestly, how old are we and how long do these games go on? Because I am really over them already. Guess it´s time to go out this weekend and conseguirme otro novio. :)

Speaking of which, I have not talked to him for a week and a half. I called once but he didn´t answer. He said he needed some space. Okay, if Tegus isn´t far enough away for you, I just will stop calling. It breaks my heart when I think about it, so I try not to. I am pretty good at distracting myself from all the bad stuff in life. Right now, if I didn´t push it away and pretend everything is great (I don´t know if I´ve mentioned it before, but I´m really really really good at that), well I´d probably be a bit of a wreck. So, I keep myself busy and distracted and well, maybe it´s not all in entirely appropriate ways, but I´m not doing anything too inappropriate either. Just going out a lot. Oh well.

That´s all.

Thursday, June 14, 2007


The rectora said to me the other day, ¨By law, I am required to give you 2 months of vacation.¨

I love being a teacher.

Now, before you get on your soap box and start telling me that teachers have it sooo good, that they get paid for working 12 months and only work 10, blah blah blah ... I am going to get on MY soap box and tell you all the ways that I have earned my vacation. Just today. And I bet that you don´t have to put up with any of them at your job.

1. Whining 6 year olds.
2. Getting little Alejandra to eat her breakfast and lunch. She doesn´t want to eat, because she thinks she´s fat. (She´s 6!)
3. Making my kids have timeout with their heads down, and then write me apology notes when they BROKE the bottom out of the wardrode-closet thing in our classroom. (Literally, there is now no bottom.)
4. Getting stabbed with a pencil while attempting to keep two of my second graders from stabbing each other with pencils. However, it was effective. They stopped.
5. Giving two girls zeros for cheating on their spelling quizzes AGAIN.
6. Being used as a human punching bag while trying to keep 175 screaming children inside the school gate at the end of the day since it was raining and we didn´t want them to get soaked.
7. Eating my lunch standing up, because if I sit down, they might break something again like they did at recess.
8. Comforting a crying Angel because she got pushed over.9. Convincing Angel that she didn´t want to go to another school just because Alexandra was bothering her.

I think you get the picture. However, this makes it look like I don´t like my job. On the contrary, this is just all part of my normal day as a first and second grade teacher. Nothing out of the ordinary. At least I don´t get bored.

But I earn my vacation!

Speaking of: I will be in Maryland from July 13-19. Belize from July 28-Aug 4 or 5. And with my sister in El Salvador/Honduras the last week in August. I will be in Ceiba the rest of the time. School starts on Sept 10th.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

waiting to be saved

So, I´m a little frustrated, but feeling much more tranquila. I really think that Saul is scared of what could happen between us, and I understand that ... but the whole ¨si Dios quiere¨ thing is soooo frustrating. I strongly believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason, that he gives us certain gifts so that we can help other people, and that he gives us opportunities that we need to take advantage of. He does not, however, live our life for us. Life is not passive, we need to take what God gives us and work with it. It´s not magic. He puts people in our lives at certain times, and gives us certain opporunities for things, but the opportunities that he gives us are not unlimited. You need to fight through life for what you believe in and what you are passionate about. God can only do so much for us. And it is his will that things happen, he will direct our paths accordingly, (that is if we listen to him). Yes, he gives us obstacles, and the obstacles between Saul and I are many, but this is like a second chance for us. If it is his will tat we are together, he will provide us with the opportunities to see each other and the strength and patience to get through the times when we are not able to. But just to sit back and be like, ¨well, if God brings us back together again and we are still in love, then we know it is destiny.¨ I am all for doing what God wants in my life, and I really feel like at this point in time, this is it. I cannot think of any other reason he would have put Saul in my life (two times!). I´m not saying this is forever, but right now ... I think this is the right path. Maybe there are too many obstacles, and if we are not meant to be together, those obstacles will overcome us. But dammit, you still have to fight and live life!

It reminds me of a story that someone told me once about a guy whose house was flooded really bad, and he was waiting on his roof. He prayed to God to save him, and a little while later, a boat passed. He refused to get in, saying that he was waiting for God to save him. The boat moved on, and a little more time had passed when a helicopter came. Again, the guy refused to get in, saying that he was waiting for God to save him. After the helicopter left, the guy drowned, and appeared in Heaven in front of God. He asked him why he didn´t come to save him, and God told him ¨I sent a boat and a helicopter for you! What more did you want!?¨ The answers that God gives us and the opportunities he presents are not always crystal clear, but when he does present them, it is up to us to aprovecharlos. He sends us in the right direction, guides us (with obstacles, opportunities, etc), but in the end ... we live our lives, not him.

Whats more is that we cannot choose who we love. Only God knows why we fall in love with who we do. I honestly think that I fell in love with Saul because of God. I didn´t choose Saul, God did. You have to be willing to fight for things in life, and if he doesn´t love me enough to fight for me, well ... I´d rather know now so I could move on with my life.

Sunday, June 03, 2007


So I didn´t think I´d writing about him again, but here I am. He was here in Ceiba this weekend.

I have a lot of thoughts on what happened this weekend with Saul, but not a lot to write about. I´m still working things out in my own head, I guess .. trying to figure out why I feel so sad that he left today (well I already know why, but you know). I told him today that maybe it would have been better if he hadn´t come back, but now that I´ve thought about it a little more, that´s not true. I am glad that I was able to see him and talk to him and spend the weekend with him, even if it´s the last time. Practically speaking, he´s right in saying that the distance between Ceiba and Tegus is a lot, that he is busy and I am busy, and that someday - I will go back to the US. But as a lot of you know, I generally don´t tend to think practically - with my head, instead, I think with my heart. So trying to resign myself to the practicality of life is very hard for me. But the plus side of it is that I generally do not regret things. I act impulsively and for that, rarely regret not doing something. And because of my nature of only doing things that I really want to, I rarely regret doing things either. I have done things that I now look back on and think, ¨Maybe that wasn´t such a good idea,¨ but I don´t regret doing them.

So one day, one weekend, is better than never. It´s better to know where you stand with someone than to be forever left wondering. But where I´m struggling is the practical and logical part of Saul that says, ¨I just don´t know how it would work. Only God knows what is supposed to happen, and we just have to trust him that if we are meant to be together, we will be.¨ Maybe it´s more of my struggle with letting God take care of things in my life, when I would rather take care of them. It´s hard for me to sit back and just say ¨Ok, if it´s meant to be, it will be.¨ How long do you have to wait for something like that?

We´re going to keep talking and I am going to try and go to Tegus during vacation to visit him, and he will make it back to Ceiba eventually, but it´s hard. It´s hard knowing that I love him and he loves me but practically speaking, there isn´t a whole lot we can do about it, except wait to see what might happen next week, next month, in 3 months, etc. And I love him differently than I loved Marcos. I can´t explain it, but it´s just a very different interaction and relationship.

So maybe it would have been better if he never would have come back, but if I´m supposed to let God handle things, then isn´t it also true that God brought us back together for a reason? And if that reason was only for me to spend a little more time with him, understand waht happened the past few months, and be loved ... then okay.

It kind of reminds me of the Pirates movie, where the captain has ¨One day on land, ten years at sea.¨ At the end, a crew member says ¨you made an awfully big sacrifice, and he responds, ¨It depends on that one day.¨ I´d rather have one day, then never. Dont get me wrong, I am not going to wait 10 years. I´m just saying that even if it can never work out between us, that I´d rather have had the time we have had.

Love is a tricky and unexplainable thing. You can´t choose who you love or who loves you. Wouldn´t life be easier if we could? You learn from events that happen in your life, you learn how to love others by how others love you, and you as a friend told me not to long ago, From each person that you are in relationship with or fall in love with, you learn something, you grow, and you will not lower your standards for the next person. I´m not sure if I said it very well, but she was just trying to assure me that no time is wasted. In everything that happens, you move ahead learning and growing and expecting more from people, expecting the best.

I thought I had given up, that I had moved on. Apparently, I am ready to fight for it a little more.

DISCLOSURE: As it appears, I had plenty to say really, but I also realize that I connected very little of it directly to Saul. But this is what I´m feeling, what I´m thinking, and this is what matters ... not the little details that I may or may not share at some later date. I will say this, for inquiring minds, that he had surgery, was bed ridden in a ¨casa de los enfermos¨ for a month, had lost his cell phone in that time, got a new one a few weeks ago, didn´t have my number (I was in the States anyway) ... didn´t get in touch with the Reverenda at the church until the beginning of this past week, and he came this weekend. Things were just the same as they were before (even though I did actually try to distance myself at first and pull away). Someone here (who doesnt know me very well) said that I´m just weak, but I actually am a very strong minded and strong willed person. But well, love does funny things to you. That´s all you get.