Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Running Away

Okay then. Several things are jumping around my head. First things are first.

My dad passed away last Wednesday. It was very painful to watch. We disconnected him from the ventilator, and he stayed alive for almost 36 hours. When he finally let ago, it seemed peaceful. (There was serious brain injury due to lack of oxygen which is why we made the decision we did.)

It's very weird being here without him. Here meaning this apartment, Camp Hill, Pennsylvania, the United States. It's weird to think about going back to Honduras and not having him take me to the airport. It's weird to get his truck and trailer appraised so we know the value of his assets. It's weird to meet with the lawyer and talk about his will and executors and his estate. It's weird cleaning out the apartment without him here. It's weird to think about a having a yard sale, because the last one was with Dad when we moved out of the old house. It's weird that when I talk about him, I have to remind myself to talk in past tense. It's weird that I have stopped myself from talking about him more than a few times, because I don't want to make the people around me uncomfortable. It's weird. And it's painful. And I don't like it. And I want it to stop.

Maybe that's why I want to go back to Honduras so badly. When I first came home, I wasn't sure if I would even go back, but now I just want to jump on the plane tomorrow and get back to my life there that had become so normal and simple. [Up. School. Tutor. Home. Eat. Gym. Bed.] Weekends were even more simple. [Up. Eat. Nap. Eat. Go out.] Life is easier. My problems focus around my kids at school and boys. No money problems. No lawyer or executor fees to speak of. No yard sale to be had. No addresses to change. No deaths. Only school. dance class. horny honduran guys. (My biggest problem in Honduras is that the new guy I'm kind of dating seems to have some kind of ex-wifey/baby's momma on the sidelines but more about that later.) But being here, surrounded by friends and family who are so concerned and worried about me and wanting to help ... I know that they love me and are just trying to be supportive, but all of their attention just makes me feel worse. It's hard to explain, but just being here is hard because it means that something is wrong (which it clearly is). I'm supposed to be in Honduras. Being here isn't normal, not right now. It's like going through mini-culture shock and dealing with tragedy all at the same time. Life in Honduras isn't suppose to include him so I won't feel his absence so strongly. It will be easier. Less painful.

It sounds I want to want to run away. And I do. My sister was able to go back to a semi-normal life this week, going back to Philly, going back to work. I was here - meeting with the lawyer, getting appraisals, cleaning the apartment, putting in yard sale ads. I don't blame her for going. I would have run away already if I could have. And I am strong. I have learned how to keep going through life with your head up when the world is falling apart around you. I have learned how to be independent, support myself, and stay strong when I want to cry. And my dad taught me all of it.

Unfortunately, too often I smiled instead of crying, said "Everything is fine" when it wasn't, and was strong when I shouldn't have been. I'm independent to a fault. I like to do things on my own and am confident that I am able to. I don't like asking for help, I get that from my dad. But in the end, I will ask if I see no other option. My dad was the only person I could ask without feeling bad. Even asking my sister for things like money still makes me feel guilty. And Candie collected enough money to buy my plane ticket back to Honduras, which makes me very happy and grateful, but makes me feel a little bad as well, taking money from a bunch of people that I dont know or barely know. All of this comes from my father as well. That's a parents duty I guess. They can't give you just good things, they have to throw in a few to "screw you up" as Ingela would say.

So I'm ready to run away, back to Honduras. I really hope that we can get everything sorted out, and I will be able to go back next Friday. I need my simple life back. I need my life back that is far away from here and all the places and memories and people that remind me of my father. Not that I will be able to forget about him there. He will always be on my mind, espcially when I'm in bed at night, since that is when I think about my friends and family that I miss so much. I will think about calling him, before reminding myself that I can't. I will never stop missing him or thinking about him, but living life without him will get easier. He prepared me well.


Anonymous said...


I am so sorry to hear about your father. I lost my father about 1-1/2 years ago, and it is still very painful.


La Gringa said...

Katrina, those are all normal feelings and the stress of having to deal with so many unfamiliar situations at once is enough to make anyone want to run away.

Hopefully coming back to Honduras will give you some of that peace that you need.

See you soon.

Honduras Sprout said...

First of all I am shocked to hear about your father passing. I was trying to figure out if this was something you knew about ahead of time, or if this was a sudden death. I know we are strangers, but these blog things kind of open us up to new people.
My heart goes out to you and I hope peace is with you as you are adjusting.
Thank you for your comment on my blog about my fears of moving. The crazy thing is, that reading your current situation is exactly where my fears are. I'm not afraid to go to Honduras, I'm afraid to leave the one's I love and if anything should happen and I am so far away and then stuck between the two worlds.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and I hope that writing also helps too.