So I didn´t think I´d writing about him again, but here I am. He was here in Ceiba this weekend.
I have a lot of thoughts on what happened this weekend with Saul, but not a lot to write about. I´m still working things out in my own head, I guess .. trying to figure out why I feel so sad that he left today (well I already know why, but you know). I told him today that maybe it would have been better if he hadn´t come back, but now that I´ve thought about it a little more, that´s not true. I am glad that I was able to see him and talk to him and spend the weekend with him, even if it´s the last time. Practically speaking, he´s right in saying that the distance between Ceiba and Tegus is a lot, that he is busy and I am busy, and that someday - I will go back to the US. But as a lot of you know, I generally don´t tend to think practically - with my head, instead, I think with my heart. So trying to resign myself to the practicality of life is very hard for me. But the plus side of it is that I generally do not regret things. I act impulsively and for that, rarely regret not doing something. And because of my nature of only doing things that I really want to, I rarely regret doing things either. I have done things that I now look back on and think, ¨Maybe that wasn´t such a good idea,¨ but I don´t regret doing them.
So one day, one weekend, is better than never. It´s better to know where you stand with someone than to be forever left wondering. But where I´m struggling is the practical and logical part of Saul that says, ¨I just don´t know how it would work. Only God knows what is supposed to happen, and we just have to trust him that if we are meant to be together, we will be.¨ Maybe it´s more of my struggle with letting God take care of things in my life, when I would rather take care of them. It´s hard for me to sit back and just say ¨Ok, if it´s meant to be, it will be.¨ How long do you have to wait for something like that?
We´re going to keep talking and I am going to try and go to Tegus during vacation to visit him, and he will make it back to Ceiba eventually, but it´s hard. It´s hard knowing that I love him and he loves me but practically speaking, there isn´t a whole lot we can do about it, except wait to see what might happen next week, next month, in 3 months, etc. And I love him differently than I loved Marcos. I can´t explain it, but it´s just a very different interaction and relationship.
So maybe it would have been better if he never would have come back, but if I´m supposed to let God handle things, then isn´t it also true that God brought us back together for a reason? And if that reason was only for me to spend a little more time with him, understand waht happened the past few months, and be loved ... then okay.
It kind of reminds me of the Pirates movie, where the captain has ¨One day on land, ten years at sea.¨ At the end, a crew member says ¨you made an awfully big sacrifice, and he responds, ¨It depends on that one day.¨ I´d rather have one day, then never. Dont get me wrong, I am not going to wait 10 years. I´m just saying that even if it can never work out between us, that I´d rather have had the time we have had.
Love is a tricky and unexplainable thing. You can´t choose who you love or who loves you. Wouldn´t life be easier if we could? You learn from events that happen in your life, you learn how to love others by how others love you, and you as a friend told me not to long ago, From each person that you are in relationship with or fall in love with, you learn something, you grow, and you will not lower your standards for the next person. I´m not sure if I said it very well, but she was just trying to assure me that no time is wasted. In everything that happens, you move ahead learning and growing and expecting more from people, expecting the best.
I thought I had given up, that I had moved on. Apparently, I am ready to fight for it a little more.
DISCLOSURE: As it appears, I had plenty to say really, but I also realize that I connected very little of it directly to Saul. But this is what I´m feeling, what I´m thinking, and this is what matters ... not the little details that I may or may not share at some later date. I will say this, for inquiring minds, that he had surgery, was bed ridden in a ¨casa de los enfermos¨ for a month, had lost his cell phone in that time, got a new one a few weeks ago, didn´t have my number (I was in the States anyway) ... didn´t get in touch with the Reverenda at the church until the beginning of this past week, and he came this weekend. Things were just the same as they were before (even though I did actually try to distance myself at first and pull away). Someone here (who doesnt know me very well) said that I´m just weak, but I actually am a very strong minded and strong willed person. But well, love does funny things to you. That´s all you get.